Quite recently I became a mother.
It still sounds strange, the word mother and too the word daughter. When I hear people say the word 'mum' I automatically reference it to my own mum, not as a description of myself. It's one of the many things I've come to realise in the short time that she has been mine.
It's taken what feels like a lifetime to write this post, among the huge lifestyle change, the tired-all-the-time-lost-zombie-like-state that comes with becoming a first time mum I wondered if I'd ever have the time or patience to write again. Luckily the little Bean does sometimes sleep and with a supportive team around me I can sometimes manage some writing time.
Honestly, they are all consuming creatures;babies. I was not at all prepared. Even now, as I type this I have my tiny human hanging from my left breast. It took a while to fully appreciate, with a partner working 50-60 hour weeks and me with her 24/7 it slowly sunk in that I was fully tied to her for the foreseeable future, where I go, she goes, even if I get a few hours off I still need to be wary of her next feed. It can be quite a daunting realisation...but now, at 11 weeks it feels like 11 years, it feels as though she has always been there, we have always been together and we always will.
The last 10 months have certainly been eventful for the Cuckbuddies, one minute drinking in the afternoon, cooking up culinary delights most evenings and living in separate abodes we quickly had to adapt our lifestyle to suit our new tiny human.
She was born more than 2 weeks before her due date, induced after my waters had broken several days beforehand and she hadn't stirred a peep. I wish she could've stayed just a little bit longer and that my body hadn't accidentally tried to get things going when she wasn't ready...but I can't complain after being fully induced I laboured for a mere 3 (ish) hours until she was there laying on my chest, quiet and starry-eyed looking right at me. We hadn't expected her so soon and were understandably in some shock. I didn't get my water birth, I didn't get to labour at home like I so wanted, I didn't need painkillers and I did need stitches, antibiotics and fluids, but she was here and 5lbs 12.5 oz of perfection.
Ben, easing into fatherhood like a natural he was the first to dress her, the first to change her nappy and the person to name her. When I was sure I wasn't feeding her right he assured me I was and when I thought I couldn't do it he knew I could and when the nights are long and I'm tired from her crying he's there-weepy-eyed and tired from work, he's never too tired to offer a shoulder of support.
And as she grows and settles, as we slowly relax into parenthood, gaining small amounts of our old lifestyle back, I wonder if that word 'mum' will only ever sound right, when it eventually comes from her.
